I’m a … get me out of here

I’m a … get me out of here
10 new celebrity shows to get your teeth into

I’m a baby get me out of here.
Okay ,so we get a group of pregnant celebrities and we drop them on an island in the middle of nowhere. The last one to pop wins. Deadly!

I’m a Multiple Personality Disorder get me out of hear.
Okay, so we get a load of Multiple Personality Disorder celebrities and we drop them on an island in the middle of nowhere and watch as each deranged personality springs forth to fight for dominance. Oh…oh… oh even better, pick the right person and we only need one celebrity for the entire show. Brilliant and cheap!

I’m a celebrity shit get me out of here.
Okay so this one is a bit nasty I’ll admit. But what a show! Lots of constipated celebs fighting over the toilet! And of course if all the advertisements for constipation pills we see on the telly are right well then the celebrity’s will all be gorgeous looking women… with a secret. Shush…

I’m, a Presidential Candidate get me out of here.
Okay, so this is really only for all you Americans out there. This time we get all our hopefuls and after we drop them on an island we give each of them a weapon of their choice and let them fight it out. The winner gets to run the country for four years. The only problem with this is that I suspect that Hilary Clinton would be president for ever…

I’m a Millionaire get me out of here.
This is a real easy one. Find any millionaires left and drop them in to the middle of the financial district and watch them fight to get out with any of their money left. A true reality show that’s played out every day on the news!

I’m an Iraqi get me out of here.
Another no-brainer here! We get anyone who even looks middle-eastern and I do mean anyone; even Frank from accounts who has a bit of tan from his European vacation will do. We drop them in any southern American state with nothing more than some dodgy looking currency, a roll of wire and a towel to block the heat from their heads and we watch them run.

I’m a Committed serial killer get me out of here.
For this one we drop a committed serial killer in any big city. We then get all the writers of shows like Bones, CSI, Cold Case, and such like and we set them on the hunt. The first team to catch the killer before he manages ten kills wins.

I’m a Love Cheat get me out of here.
We’re back to all those loveable celebrities again. This time we entrap a group of them in Honey, drug and drunk-driving traps. The one who manages to convince the tabloids that they are innocent, without having to enter any kind of rehab clinic of any kind, wins.


I’m a patient get me out of here.
The visuals of this show would be truly wonderful. We get a group of regular Joes and send them to some celebrity plastic surgeons. Their task is to get out of the clinics without having to remortgage their house to pay for plastic surgery they didn’t need in the first place. Extra points will be given to any who also make it out with any self esteem left.

I’m a nostril hair get me out of here.
I just love this one. We get a load of hard up B-celebrities and we line them up. One by one each has their nostril hairs removed with a tweezers, one by one. The Celeb who hangs in the longest is the winner.


Any producers who wish to use any of these truly great ideas please send a ridiculously large check and the idea is yours.

The Ten best kitchen implements for fighting off Ninja

The Ten best kitchen implements for fighting off Ninja.

1 The Spatula: The spatula is a cunning weapon. It gives extra reach and allows you to slap the Ninja repeatedly in the face. Ninja’s have an aversion to being slapped. It offends their sense of masculinity and may help to undermine their confidence. Warning: It may also help to aggravate them. Expect an increase in the ferocity of their attack. So duck and slap and duck again really fast.

2 The chopping board: The wooden chopping board is invaluable when defending your self from a Ninja attack. Ninja have a propensity for using throwing stars, nasty if they hit you. But the wooden chopping board, when used as a shield will quickly mop up his supply. Warning: Do not discard your chopping board too quickly. Ninja are known for being sneaky individuals. He may yet have a star or two hidden up his sleeve. Be Patient.

3 The Mop: The Mop is an excellent weapon for dealing with attacking Ninja’s. Holding the shaft firmly in your hand wave the mopping end vigorously in the Ninja’s face. As Ninja’s are Japanese, their oldest enemies are the Chinese and the Chinese warriors carried spears with tassels placed just below the stabbing end. Somewhere deep in his subconscious the Ninja will believe he is fighting a truly worthy warrior and may just give up and go home. Warning: The Ninja just might be able to hold onto the idea that you are not in fact a Chinese warrior but are in fact just a man with a mop. Still the mop will come in handy after the fight for cleaning up the blood.

4 Plates: Plates are handy for a fight in a kitchen because there tend to be lots of them around. Throw the plates at the Ninja in quick procession. Not only may you hit him with them but the plates will break when they hit the floor and due to a Ninja’s inadequate foot ware there is a good chance he will get splinters in his feet. (ouch) Warning: Ninja’s are trained to dodge throwing stars so your chances of actually hitting him are pretty poor. And don’t use your best china.

5 Knives: There are plenty of knives to choose from in the average kitchen. But don’t go for the stylish little steak knives. Go for the cleavers, (in this situation bigger is better) bread knives are also good too but it can be a bit difficult getting your Ninja to keep still long enough for you to saw through his arm. Warning: Ninja’s are trained swords men and no matter how big your knife you can be sure he will have a bigger one.

6 Forks: Okay we are clutching at straws here. The Fork is not a great attack weapon but it can be good as a defensive weapon. When the Ninja attacks with his sword try and catch the blade between the forks prongs then twist the handle of the fork sharply. If your Ninja has bought his sword at a discount store it may snap. Warning: catching a blade that is coming at your rather quickly between the prongs of as fork may take a bit of practise and you only have so many limbs spare to get it right.

7 The Frying pan: We are back on a more solid footing here. The Frying pan is both a good attacking weapon as well as a defensive one. It can block most weapons at the Ninja’s disposal and it makes a great noise when you hit someone in the head with it. Block, strike and block again, marvellous. Warning: In order to attack with a frying pan you really do have to get very close to the Ninja. Getting close to an attacking Ninja is not really a great idea as they have many small sharp objects that they just love to stick into people that invade their personal space.

8 The Cooker: A gas cooker is best used in this attack. First you have to get the cooker on. So while dodging and ducking first turn on the gas, then light it. Do not try to do both of these things at the same time. Ninja’s are quick, you might be surprised just how quick and you will need both your arms for the next bit. Then while distracting the Ninja with some cleaver finger puppetry guide him to the cooker and trick him into putting his arm, or even better his head into the flames (going for the head should only be attempted by true experts). Warning: Not all Ninja’s are enthralled by finger puppetry and if your first attempts at it don’t impress him move on quickly, don’t keep trying it, this will only bore the Ninja and he will quickly remember why he is there.

9 Salt and Pepper: We are now down to chemical warfare. It may be banned by the UN but you may not time to read the fine print in the rules of war documentation supplied to warring factions to worry about this. Salt is for the eyes (his, not yours) and the pepper is for the nose. The salt will quickly blind your Ninja attacker and the pepper will wreak havoc with his breathing. Don’t spend too much time trying to apply these chemicals with precision. A broad application to the general face area will suffice. Warning: Ninja’s ware face masks, so the pepper may not quite hit the mark. And if you miss with the salt you probably won’t get another chance.

10 Cooking oil. This works best if you have stone tiles laid in your kitchen. If you don’t do not under any circumstances try any lay them while under attack, it’s a messy and time consuming task. Apply the oil vigorously to the floor and then run away. The Ninja will come after you as surely as a dog will chase a ball and with any luck slip on the oil and hit his head upon you stone tiles. Warning: Ninja’s are very good jumpers and may jump over the oil. If this happens and you have now left the kitchen you are in real trouble because this guide only deals with attacks in the kitchen and has no advice for you once you have left it. So only use oil if you are sure it will work. Perhaps you could check if your attacking Ninja has a bit of a limp and is less likely to be able to make the jump.